Love in its Deepest Form
I have had to think about the kinds of love I feel recently. What love in its deepest form really means. We all experience love, and if it is real love, there is really nothing quite like it. I love many people and things in my life. I have the love of a mother, and truly no love is greater than that of a parent and child. I have many relatives and friends that I love, and those that I love have a place in my heart. Then there is romantic love. When it comes to romantic love, I am not one to fall in love. I have only been romantically in love once in my life. Seems strange that I wouldn’t have fallen in love a million times like my friends have, so I was wondering what it takes to feel the deepest form of love, regardless whether it is self-love, parental love, familial love or romantic love.
I have to confess something. I have a gift. I can feel love from others. I can also feel truth, but that is a conversation for another time. I dream often with Fred in my dreams. I have talked about Fred. I believe he is my guardian angel and visits me from time to time when I have questions or need advice. I asked Fred years ago what my purpose was, and what the path of my life was about. My connection with God is and has always been strong, even when I was in my angry years. Even in those rough years, I knew there was something I was meant to do, more than just living my life, something more that I was going to do. There was a calling for me; a path I was to follow, but I just did not know at the time what it was. When I asked Fred the ultimate existential question, what am I, and what is my life about and what everything in the world was about, he replied, “You already know. It’s Love”.
I knew he was right, I understood the concept that love conquers all, but I wasn’t listening to the words he was saying. I thought he was speaking in generalities. It took a dream years later for me to understand what he said. Years later when I had this subsequent dream, I was going through a divorce. I was married almost 30 years which is a long time. A lot of the years were not so good, but in all honesty, there were also some good years. I did love my ex-husband but I was never in love with him. As the years went and things broke down, I was angry and hurt but I stayed. I was lied to and betrayed but I stayed. I always said that I stayed because of love, but that was not true. I was mistaking comfort and loyalty and a promise and even boredom for love.
So back to my dream years later. Fred was talking to me in my circle in the woods and I was telling him that I needed to forgive myself for the anger and resentment I was feeling. That I had felt guilt and the feeling of worthlessness that I had failed us both. He smiled at me and said, “You do not need to forgive yourself because you have done nothing wrong, what you need to do is love”. I said, “how can I love? I want to feel hate. I want to feel anger”. He said “You can love because it is what you are. It is all that is inside you, and you cannot hate. The pain you feel and the anger and upset that pulls at you comes from the love you are. You are love in its deepest form.”
I still did not really understand. So even more years later when I met Sundance, I told him about my dreams and Fred and asked Sundance what he saw and thought it meant. I mean, how can it be all about love when I feel so much upset and anger? Sundance is someone I respect and admire. He has more spiritual sight than anyone I have ever met. Sundance told me that I can be all those things, and sometimes I can feel all those things at once, but that Fred was right, it was about the love inside me.
So those experiences have me thinking about love. Love in its deepest form. I stated above that I have an abundance of love for people and things, but that I do not fall in love easily. I have been thinking about that and I think it is because when I think of love, I think of two different kinds of romantic love. There is a superficial type of love some people live with their whole life. The advertised love we are supposed to feel. The shallow, glossy surface where the connection between two people is more of a rush or an addiction based on insecurity rather than the depth of feeling or love or acceptance of the entire being of another person. When the superficial love or infatuation starts to fade, then the pattern starts over with someone else.
I read something in a magazine a while back that said “If you want endless repetition, see a lot of people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one”. I thought about this for a long time. And it made perfect sense as I read further in this article and it said “The pattern of chasing love is exciting and when we date a lot of people, we continually make our moves and repeatedly tell our stories to people, and that this is really a routine of falling in love with ourselves over and over”. This resonated with me as I thought about it. I thought about the dating patterns of my friends and even myself when I was young. I think what struck me the most, is that it wasn’t even about the other person.
So what is love in its deepest form? It is certainly not chasing our dreams or fantasies and putting those expectations on another person only to be disappointed time and time again. Love in its deepest form to me means selfless love. Love given with nothing expected in return. True acts of kindness and love. And it truly is the deepest form of love we can express.
And how does this translate into love in romantic terms? Again, giving love to another person and not expecting the same kind of love to be given in return. We all fall in love and if it is true love, love in its deepest form, it withstands everything. When we experience this love, we understand that there will be times that not only will the feelings ebb and flow, but that even understanding and accepting each other is sometimes difficult. However, the differences between us are important for our own personal sense of self and growth and those differences also help us learn from a different perspective. That in those relationships, they are always changing, nothing stays constant. There are parts of the relationship or feelings that are important for a time, but they eventually change or grow or even die. These things that die are reborn or replaced with something else, and the relationship is rekindled and the love grows deeper.
It is not an easy way to love. It hurts and it is uncomfortable at times; even painful. But you work through it together because it is worth it. The other person is worth the work because your life is better with that person in it; because they add value to your life. The other person helps us become our best self. It is a reciprocal love that comes from deep in our heart and soul. It is a love that changes you. It is very different from the superficial love we may have chased once, or even what we chased all our lives. And once you feel it, nothing else can compare or even come remotely close to the depth of the love you have.
It is love in its deepest form.
It is when love becomes a choice and not a feeling.
Butch