How do we deal with our fear?

 

During all that is going on in the world with the Covid-19 outbreak and the fear it has created, I can’t help but wonder how much our fear affects us every day. 

 

Certainly the fear of getting a highly contagious disease that could make you very ill or threaten your life is frightening. And for some, being shuttered away is the security they need to keep themselves safe, and for others, living life as normal as possible is preferable, and to even others disregarding any kind of danger or precaution is how they choose to live. And of course there are those that have no choice but to work because of the type of job they do.  No one‘s choice is wrong, except of course for people who recklessly place others in harm’s way, but aside from that, how we choose to live our life is our choice. Just as how we choose to handle our fear is our choice. 

 

And there’s really no right or wrong answer.  Because we all have fear. Fear of something.

 

I have a friend who is afraid of flying. She’s afraid of the plane crashing. I have another friend who will not swim in a public pool because he’s afraid of germs. And I myself, have an allergy to bee stings and other stinging insects. I was stung by a bee about 20 years ago and it landed me in the hospital for three days. So I naturally become a little bit afraid when I am around a lot of wasps and bees. These are what I refer to as reasonable fears. The fear of an imminent danger that can cause harm, illness or death. I do think that though these fears are valid fears, I feel we still have to face these fears, or at least acknowledge them. 

 

I have tried to try to remain calm when I see bees and wasps, and I still go places they're prevalent. I’m careful in understanding that if I’m not aggressive with them, in general, they will not attack me. My girlfriend got on a plane for the first time in her life at 60. She flies now, but she says she is still terrified getting on a plane, but she understands these are her fears. My friend who is afraid of public pools, took his grandkids on a vacation and swam in a hotel pool with them. He put his fears aside for something that was more important to him. And that is part of facing fears, simply deciding what is important to us to take the risk and engage in what we are frightened to do.

 

So what is it that gets into our heads and in our hearts with some of our fears that cause us to lose control of our emotions or any rational thought?  What are the things that are so deeply ingrained in us that we give into that immobilizing fear?

 

Many base fears that control us have to do with how see ourselves and how we value ourselves as a person. Many of those fears have to do with feeling safe and feeling loved. Let’s face it, there’s no better feeling than feeling safe and loved. Feeling unsafe and unloved is a very deep rooted fear that drives our choices each day. It can trigger painful memories within us that cause us fear and panic. 

 

It can cause us to question our value as a person and whether we are worthy of being loved, rather than feeling we are being betrayed, whether we feel we are told the truth rather than lies. My fears go back to my childhood, as is true with most of us, and some of my fears are the base of the foundations that I’ve built my life on. 

 

So when do our fears get in the way of our life? I would think a lot of the time. Fear is one of the strongest emotions there is. So how do we deal with that irrational, nagging terror that pushes people away or keeps us awake at night? How do we avoid those triggers?  We can’t really avoid them all the time, but how we handle ourselves when we are triggered can be the answer. 

 

I had one of my constant irrational fears rear its ugly head last night and Sundance and I were talking about it.  

In his words I found the answer.  He said to me, “Embrace it and let it come into you.  Understand that it is part of you and talk to the fear. Only understanding that it is part of us, can we truly let it go”. 

 

At first I thought, I get what you are saying but this is easier said than done. And although the message is true, it’s very difficult to let go of something so powerful. However, the more I thought about this, the more it calmed me down. Not a miraculous change like abracadabra and it’s gone, but rather the clear understanding that my fear has nothing to do with anyone else. It is my fear based on my past experiences, hurt and betrayal, and all the other terrible things that happened to us in our past that feeds into our fears. That perhaps part of my fear is wanting someone to understand it, wanting someone to acknowledge what I feel.  Although wanting to have someone to accept us and understand us is normal, but how can someone accept or understand our fear when they have not lived it. They have not experienced it with us.

 

So I’m up at four in the morning, and I’m thinking about my fears. I’m thinking about how I’m allowing them at times to cloud my judgment. I’m thinking about how they truly are a part of me. And I’m realizing that understanding and accepting they are, will certainly lessen the effect they have on my emotions. It will allow me to let go of them. Because let’s face it, transferring our fears on to someone else is never a good thing. The burden of our feelings is our own. 

 

I want to clarify though, that it doesn’t mean that what we are feeling or questioning in our life may not valid. Example:  if someone tells me something I know to be untrue and it triggers my fears, how I react or respond is totally up to me. I can let my emotions take over and be afraid and blame or I can understand my fear and resolve it in a reasonable way. And resolving it may simply involve me accepting that this person may be untruthful, or that I may be misunderstanding. It allows me to examine the truth and if the truth is hurtful or painful, I can choose how to accept the fear of it and the pain of it. It allows me to see things for what they are, and it allows me to deal with the situation and heal and let go. I can forgive and accept the truth, and decide from a logical rather than a fear based emotion, whether that person deserves a place in my life. 

 

No matter what, facing our fears and understanding the hold they have on our emotions, affords us the peace of embracing, acknowledging, and letting go of fear.

 

Butch